seriously, i can’t fucking get you off my mind.
its been sense January when we started talking again. and that didn’t go so well. I want a fucking boyfriend so bad, & everytime i think of how i want my relationship. i think of me and you. next month will be a year ago sense we broke up, and for some reason im still holding on? I fucking hate you and everything you have done to me. All the tears that i have wasted over you. All these months hoping we could be us again, is just a waste. You hate my guts and i dont know why. I feel so guilty over everything that has happened betwen us and i dont know why. i just miss you. i want everything to go back to last year. we were perfect together. Dont get me wrong we did have our own issues.
But your going off to college. You have your school & raving ahead of you and your not looking back at me. The other friday shayna & marrissa we’re their and were gonna get a ride from you. But they told you they wanted to chill their longer. You wouldn’ stay at the mall because you knew i was their. Then that night you made a status on facebook “that awkward moment when you see your ex and it makes you wanna throw up” & you commented on it ” maybe if i threw up on her, she’d be more attractive.” I hope you know your a complete fucking ass hole. What the fuck did i ever fucking do to you? NOTHiNG! you just have to create your own little fucking problems with me. You need t stop acting like a little bitch and get over your fucking self. No one is gonna wanna stick around and be friends with a compulsive liar, who only thinks about himself. Your so selfish and manipulative. I can’t wait till someday when everyone see’s your true colors. & from what i have heard its not gonn be to soon till they find out how much of a bastard you are. I hope one day you get fucked over to bad, & you go threw all the same trauma & depression that i went threw with you. I have tried to make it work but your to hard to handle. i honestly wanna know why you have to hate me so much. see like right now, im crying over a kid who completely hates me and doesn;t want anything to do with me anymore. and all i want is for him to love me the way you said you did. i keep telling myself to hate you. I have reasons to. But i can’t. I can honestly say you are the first person i have ever truely loved. i mean being IN love. a lot of people may think im foolish. But their’s something about you, i dont know what it is. But i know i have that feeling we’re ment to be. The first time i meet you, i knew right their when u walked in that room this would be the start of something new. I need to get over you & move on like you already have. But how can i when your the only thing i want. I try to hate you, but i can’t stop thinking about you. Sense we broke up, i felt something missing. I feel empty, but once we started talking again & spend that whole weekend together, it felt so right. I have honestly never been that happy before, sense the day we started dating. I hate re-reading our old messages, & looking at our old pictures to see how close we were. you already moved on and i need to now to. I just honestly wished you knew how much i cared about you. to bad you don’t care about me, you’d rather see me dropp dead. i just fucking miss you. please come back. i need you. what happeed to you saying that you’re hear for me? When i need you the most,your no where near. But by the time you realize how much i cared & loved you, hopefully ill already have moved on & forgotten about you. I hope maybe someday, we can go back to just you and me. till then, i need to move on.

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[( January 18th, 2011 )]

I can honestly say this is the first kid i ever feel in love with. We started so fast, but the moment i meet you i knew there was something their. Right when you walked in the room my eyes dropped & my tummy filled with the rush you get on a roller coaster. I remember that day clearly. I remember i got my first light show from you that day to, & you did it to “hey sexy lady -i Square” & still to this day, i don’t ever regret meeting you. When we first kiss, it was when we were in a cuddle puddle <3 You made everyone leave the room & played with your gloves in the bathroom, so we could get to know each other. When you meet me, i had low self respect for myself. I gave it up to you way to fast. The sex with you wasn’t sex… It was deeper than that, i felt such a strong connection. I keep asking myself why i liked you so much? Why do i keep crying over this kid, i don’t deserve it. I really can’t put into words what was so different about you. You always showed me you cared, i could be myself around you. The way we used to cuddle naked & just say the cutest things. You always made sure there was a smile on my face, you tried to your hardest to keep me happy.

But like everything, nothing stays perfect. The story’s you told me didn’t add up, i didn’t really think to question it, Until that night. May 17th,2011. When everything came out of the closet. I found out that you weren’t a virgin before you meet me. You’ve never done coke, You never got kicked out, You even told me you were raped as a kid, how can i believe that? Its fucked up that i can’t even trust you about that. I said some nasty things to you. I wanted NOTHiNG to do with you at all. Up until 4 am arguing. You came over the next day because i wanted to talk to you… i didn’t even recognized you. You apparently pulled out your hair. So you shaved it all off… Nothing at all. You came over, disrespected me in my own house & got up and left. I texted you & saying “i hope the next girl your with is as happy with you as i was” & next thing i know you called me up screaming at me, how pathetic i was. You don’t understand how much i cried over you these past 8. How bad i wanted you back. Trying to be with other people didn’t feel the same. But at this point i don’t care. You took me for granted ; & i left. You never once tried getting back with me. I tried my hardest to keep myself from texting you. You also blew me off a few times too in the summer. I just wanted us to go back to what we used to be, i miss you, i miss us.

As Of a 2 weeks ago, we started talking again. You texted me & told me how you still had feelings, you tried being with other girls & it just didn’t feel right. We hung out & had a kandi sesh. I remember you saying “can i ask you somethin, never mind its stupid, but i like really wanna kiss you right now.” My stomach got that same feeling when i first meet you. Once out lips touched i couldn’t stop smiling. We made out for about 20 minutes & you dropped me off. Everything felt like it was all coming back together. There has been a huge chunk of me that has been missing & you filled it. I know that sounds korney. But this weekend when my ride was drunk at almost One am. You were gonna come all the way out of your way to make sure i was safe. Than Saturday you came over, we cuddled & watched movies. We had tickle fights, i made you dinner,  & you told me that “Im always here for you Hannah. I care about you to much” Silly me i believed it again… I thought if we had sex, it would bring us closer together…. It felt like it. But when you came back over Sunday it was also an awesome day. Spending my weekend with you. Doing nothin much just being with you & cuddling and watchin movies was perfect. I just loved it. But Monday when we hung out, you wanted to get it in. You went into your night stand to find a condom. There was atleast 6 empty condom rappers. That just killed it for me. Than i started thinking, Why is he NOW just coming back to me? Maybe all he wants is sex? Than today you texted me saying this isn’t going to work out. Were moving to fast. YOUR THE ONE WHO PUSHED FOR iT, i said to just start off as friends & see where it goes from there. I waited around for you to text me yesterday. Never did. i feel like fucking stupid. You didn’t fucking miss me. You missed getting your dick wet. I hope you know you can make a girl feel really good about herself. Great to know you only used me for my body. I know you also said its because you saw that picture when you cut off all your hair.

iT GREW BACK, THE SCARS ON MY BODY REMAiN THERE. Honestly fuck it. It’s time to move on, but because of you. I wont be able to trust another man. You know my past, & you just added to it. FUCK THiS, FUCK THE PAST & FUCK YOU.

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Honestly, i thought i knew you pretty good for the past 6+ months.. untill i just recently found out about your childhood.. it kills me to know you could’t open up to me about it. I mean i completely understand being in that situation you dont want anyone to know. Your embaressed. you feel dirty & assamed of yourself… believe me i know. I went threw that before. Like no one believes me about the whole little chris situation growing up… no one, his name sends the chills down my back. but i knew your mom had a lot of problems, & your not the first one to deal with that situation she put you in, she also put your sister in it too when she kidnapped them & moved to montana i believe it was.  I see how upset you are with your mom. & i will never know exactly how you feel & everything you have bee threw with her. I wish i could honestly take every tear away from you. You deserve the best, i really just wish you could see how amazing you are, i know you think your nose is big, might be bigger the “normal” what is normal? sociaty makes you think this way… you are perfect, in every single way, your always there for me you give good support, your very smart, & you are one of the most bravest people i have ever meet, i can trust you with anything, you’re very caring,loyal & kindhearted & selfless, you care about everyones happyness over yours. It really does hurt to see you like this. I’ve been in situations like this, i hope the day center tomorrow goes good, :D once again i’ve been in this exact situation with being at a program, take it from someone who has gone threw a lot. things will get better, i promise you thattt, it might be a while, or it could be tomorrow, but all of this shit you go threw will make you stronger, and it will make you, you. It took me 2 1/2 years for things to finally be going goood, things often do go wrong, but you can’t let those slip backs bring you back to the start again, i love you to death, i’d take a bullet for you. <3

1] lose weight * 10 - 15 pounds.

2] get a new phone.

3] get a job

4] try a new drug

5] get my permit

6] get fucking wasted.

7] stay close with destiny

8] sex (;

9] egg someones house.

10] get back with andy ? <3

11] go to partys

12] go to the beach

13] new tattoo

14] new piercing

15] go to a rave

16] dont go back into a program|dys

17] become more comfortable with myself & body.

18] don’t straight my hair that much.

19] go to a club

20] & stop cutting.

you’re just like other guys.. i can’t believed that you were any different.. fml. im really hoping i wont go back to self harming again… i can’t deal with this shit anymore. 

drop-it-like-drizzy:

^^ do you see that girl on the left ? her name is hannah & she is my cousin. But she isnt even like a cousin … she is more like a sister♥ my bestfriend, my everything. I honestly dont know where i would be with out her here by my side through everything. All our insides jokes have become like…